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StandFree1982

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Guest milne_afc

A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the

dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank

full of various species, and the man examined the dishes.

 

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said

the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour."

replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!"

 

A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter

instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear

running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't

the heart to kill the squid.

 

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an

enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter,

"This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with

the hairy lip!"

 

The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to

bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back

and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"

Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.

 

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows......

 

 

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green,

hairy lip squid!"

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Guest milne_afc

Mucho respecto to whoever came up with that gem

BR used to pass it off as his own. Quite the performance at 5am after a night on the ectos

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A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the

dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank

full of various species, and the man examined the dishes.

 

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said

the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour."

replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!"

 

A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter

instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear

running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't

the heart to kill the squid.

 

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an

enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter,

"This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with

the hairy lip!"

 

The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to

bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back

and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"

Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.

 

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows......

 

 

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green,

hairy lip squid!"

I'm fucking dis custard

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A guy went into a French seafood restaurant and asked to see the

dishes of the day. The waiter wheeled over a trolley with a large tank

full of various species, and the man examined the dishes.

 

"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" said

the man. "An excellent choice, they have a delicate, mild flavour."

replied the waiter and called out "Gervais!"

 

A little French chef appeared with a large knife, the waiter

instructed the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.

Gervais was just about to slice at the poor squid when he noticed a tear

running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admitted that he hadn't

the heart to kill the squid.

 

"Not to worry" says the waiter, and called out "Hans!!" at which an

enormous German bloke came out of the kitchen. "Sir", said the waiter,

"This is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans kill that little green squid with

the hairy lip!"

 

The dishwasher wielded a huge rolling pin and was just about to

bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringed back

and gave a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid"

Hans admitted, his lower lip trembling.

 

"Well sir," said the waiter, "it just shows......

 

 

That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais, with mild green,

hairy lip squid!"

How would you notice a tear on a squid which would be wet ?

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I have a similar joke about a four point tool eater jaguar, but Cavey has warned me off the humour

 

I've a couple similar as well. The squid one is ace.

 

 

A German approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex viz you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 20 an hour."

"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies, "I can do that." So they go to the girl's place, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees." The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She does this, balancing on the springs.

"please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you." She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to speak. "What do you call that position?"

He says: "Four-sprung duck technique."

 

 

 

A frog enters the bank to get a loan. He approaches the woman at the loan application desk and notes that her name tag reads: Jane Patty-Whack.

The Frog says, "Excuse me, I'd like to apply for a loan."

The woman says, "Um.. Ok, I guess we can help you with that... May I ask your name?"

The frog responds, "Kermit Jagger."

Jane recognizes the Jagger name and asks, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

"Yes, actually! He's my dad."

"Alright, what do you have for collateral?" Jane asks.

"I have this!" replies Kermit, handing her a small pink ceramic elephant.

Confused, Jane states, "I'm not sure we can accept this as collateral..."

Immediately the frog replies, "Well, go speak to the manager about it. He and my dad are real tight."

She does so, and asks the manager, "Sir, there is a frog outside trying to get a loan from us. He says his name is Kermit Jagger, and believes that this weird elephant thing is enough to use as collateral."

The manager takes the figurine and explains, "Yes, what's the problem? It's a knick knack, Patty-Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

  • Upvote 2
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Are you retired Grays or fits the scoop?  How does a spoon burning junkie such as yourself manage to live a life of luxury in South America?

 

Grays was a bright young laddie, went aff to art school with a shiny new pencil case full of sharpies and hopes and dreams. Unfortunately he couldn't escape the vagrants from his up bringing on the estate, 6 months into his course and he was more drugs than dra'ins. His perfect ability to sketch a cat, but only a cat just wasn't cutting it and he turned to dealing ectos to the other students doon the meadows in the day and the grass market bars and clubs of the night. Next thing he knew his grades were ah F but he was dealing grade A.

 

Built up a nice wee stash of funds, but figured the cops were on to him. Hatched a master plan, selt his own ma's council hoose with her still inside it, fled to Brazil with the ah his cash in a Head Holdall thinking he was the Ronnie Briggs o Leith. Settled doon in Sao Pau, biggest city in the whole of South America and no extradition treaty to the UK, nae cunt will find him there he thought. 

 

Unfortunately Brazilian politics turned more and more left wing and pro-EU, with a trade deal imminent it could mean a chance of extradition if the feds found out where he was. So he started a group campaigning for nationalist Jair Bolsonaro, but it back fired and his propaganda only rubbed aff on his auld mates Moobs and turned him into a right wing racist. 

 

Thought it was obvious. 

  • Upvote 4
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