If You Died Tomorrow...

[The Boofon]

If I died tomorrow I'd be secretly pleased. Been invited for drinks on Friday night at a neighbours and the boy is a complete bellend.

Better waiting until Thursday if you ask me. Waste of a day otherwise.

[dave_min]

If I died tomorrow I'd be secretly pleased. Been invited for drinks on Friday night at a neighbours and the boy is a complete bellend.

Could be worse, I’ve got the neighbours coming round for drinks on Friday night.

[Henry]

Had to phone AA. They asked if my name was Bluto.

Saw a guy in an AA van greeting his eyes out at the side of the road

 

I said to myself ‘he’s heading for a breakdown’

[Poodler]

If I died tomorrow I'd be secretly pleased. Been invited for drinks on Friday night at a neighbours and the boy is a complete bellend.

I had that at the weekend. Invited to a housewarming full of aberdonians. The mortgaged/car financed up to their eyeballs sorts competing for centre stage.

 

I played with their cat a while and made excuses to go. Let her drink so I could choose when to drive home.

 

Good luck. Hate socialising outside of the circle of trust

[Reed or deed]

I had that at the weekend. Invited to a housewarming full of aberdonians. The mortgaged/car financed up to their eyeballs sorts competing for centre stage.

I played with their cat a while and made excuses to go. Let her drink so I could choose when to drive home.

Good luck. Hate socialising outside of the circle of trust

Aye same. Fucking nonsense that gets spoken about in the name of conversation.

 

No drugs to numb the shit either. Might just drink all his whisky and make a cunt of it. Anxiety, nit.

[Reed or deed]

Could be worse, I’ve got the neighbours coming round for drinks on Friday night.

Sorry for calling you a bellend.

[Poodler]

Aye same. Fucking nonsense that gets spoken about in the name of conversation.

 

No drugs to numb the shit either. Might just drink all his whisky and make a cunt of it. Anxiety, nit.

 

Yeah, if you can't remember it, it never happened. She can pick up the pieces min. Bottoms up!

 

Might even make an entry into the piss yourself thread

[Ke1t]

I had that at the weekend. Invited to a housewarming full of aberdonians. The mortgaged/car financed up to their eyeballs sorts competing for centre stage.

 

I played with their cat a while and made excuses to go. Let her drink so I could choose when to drive home.

 

Good luck. Hate socialising outside of the circle of trust

 

Canna be done wi cunts like that. 

 

Back in the day when folk asked me where I lived and what I did for a living, I'd tell them, in that Crawford and Campbell posh, near English,  Scottish accent, that, "Eh bide in a cooncil hoose end eh work in the sceffies." And I would maintain that story. 

 

Because it was none of their fucking business. 

 

First time some lad rolled up his sleeve to show me his watch, then tell me how much it cost, I about fell on the floor laughing.  I'd never seen anyone do that before, and it was genuinely the minkiest thing I had ever seen in my life,  but right out of nowhere that fella decides it's time to tell me how much he paid for his shit. I wasn't sure if laughing was the response he'd been expecting, or if I was supposed to go, "Crikey! You must have a lot of money, you!"  but he got the laughter. 

 

Aberdeen had an inordinate number of unsolicited watch evaluation sorts back then. 

 

Usually they had a mouser and about 50lbs too much around the middle. 

 

For some reason they all wore sensible sweaters to nighclubs inna.

 

The fuck was up with that? 

[Poodler]

^ that behaviour is honking

 

Completely agree. I worked with a kuwaity dr last year (he's subsidised by Kuwait, absolutely coining it in). He said to me 'I wouldn't wear a watch that costs less than £5k'.

 

Who does that sort of chat work on? Who drops their pants to that?

 

Absolutely nothing wrong with biding in a council hoose. The new eens are decent, actually.

[Fridge]

^^^dont go, I wouldn’t. Fuck that shit.

I’ve had to go to a few belters in my time, my problem is that I can’t not listen to the fluent fiction that comes out of their mouths for my own personal amusement

 

Just tell the truth, if you were a fucking billionaire it’s unlikely you would be staying in a three bedroom house in Mastrick.

 

I don’t give a fuck about money or status but fucks me off when folk pretend to be something they are not. Who give’s a fuck.

[mcdougall(4)]

In other words - mcd knows Noone would come to his because he's a cunt haha terrific

 

Wee prick

 

No actually, its because if you've ever seen someone that you care about go through the absolute bullshit of 'putting on a brave face' and standing there thanking people for coming, shaking their hands and inviting them back somewhere for a 'sausage roll' and so they can get 'an afternoon off work' as someone else put it earlier, you wouldn't want to put them through it just so there could be a headcount for you own vanity. Or if you god forbid have had to be that person that has to do it when all you want to do is be alone or with the people close enough to you and the deceased for it to actually matter, not Bob from the accounts department at their work who you've never met or the neighbour you can't stand. Maybe you've been lucky enough to not have to go through any of that, you know like bury a child, but I wouldn't want the big funeral experience for the people that are close to me. 

Cos its shit.

 

But that's just me 'a cunt' and 'a wee prick', for thinking about the effect it has on other people.

 

Something I'm sure you'll never have to worry about since, I'm fairly certain you could count the number of friends you have on an amputees hand.

[daytripping]

If I died tomorrow I'd be secretly pleased. Been invited for drinks on Friday night at a neighbours and the boy is a complete bellend.

 

I feel the same, have season tickets and can't get out of going to the game, daughter asked me.

[RAZOR]

If I died tomorrow I'd be secretly pleased. Been invited for drinks on Friday night at a neighbours and the boy is a complete bellend.

Sniff a pair of pants from the laundry basket.

[Reed or deed]

No actually, its because if you've ever seen someone that you care about go through the absolute bullshit of 'putting on a brave face' and standing there thanking people for coming, shaking their hands and inviting them back somewhere for a 'sausage roll' and so they can get 'an afternoon off work' as someone else put it earlier, you wouldn't want to put them through it just so there could be a headcount for you own vanity. Or if you god forbid have had to be that person that has to do it when all you want to do is be alone or with the people close enough to you and the deceased for it to actually matter, not Bob from the accounts department at their work who you've never met or the neighbour you can't stand. Maybe you've been lucky enough to not have to go through any of that, you know like bury a child, but I wouldn't want the big funeral experience for the people that are close to me. 

Cos its shit.

 

But that's just me 'a cunt' and 'a wee prick', for thinking about the effect it has on other people.

 

Something I'm sure you'll never have to worry about since, I'm fairly certain you could count the number of friends you have on an amputees hand.

Cans.

[mcdougall(4)]

Deep shit Doogs. 

 

Something raw happened to you recently bro.   

 

Much love you wee prick.  xx

 

No not at all man, but when you see people go through what I've seen people go through, I saw a town turn out for my cousins funeral, I mean there were literally people 100s unable to get into the church and then my aunt and uncle are standing there shaking all of these fucking hands man, it stays with you. 

My friend, she buried her son and her father who died in an accident. 

Can you imagine. Horrific stuff.

Why, when you as an adult have the option of telling people, no big deal and not put them through that would you choose the other option unless you were a selfish human.

 

Or you had no one that you cared about or cared about you.

[daytripping]

I've been to a kids funeral like someone else said here earlier, after you've done that your own fate and who turns up matters not a jot, I don't expect to live a long life, lifestyle choices, but I have lived a life, had a pretty good time along the way, plenty laughs and memories, can't ask for more.

[BrianFaePerth]

Funerals are one thing but what about where they put the cadaver/ashes. Eh have two options reserved by others for me, one in Dundee and one in Bergen. Fuck them both, eh didn't want to live there so why spend all eternity there.

 

Being torn apart by a dingo that has dug me up sounds fine.

[Poodler]

Let the Abo's eat you

[maryhilldon]

 

 

Just put me out with the bulk uplift, could probably squeeze me in an old fridge.

[BrianFaePerth]

Just remember to take a spare battery for your Ericsson.

[The Boofon]

^ that behaviour is honking

 

Completely agree. I worked with a kuwaity dr last year (he's subsidised by Kuwait, absolutely coining it in). He said to me 'I wouldn't wear a watch that costs less than £5k'.

 

Who does that sort of chat work on? Who drops their pants to that?

 

 

@@minijc

[The Boofon]

Sniff a pair of pants from the laundry basket.

Hahaha.

 

Great shout.

[manboobs109]

My Gran left her body to medical science. It was weird not having a funeral, everybody just went for a drink. You need something, it's to help the living really, part of the process. I'd like a viking funeral, floated out to sea while my fat belly is sizzling away.

[Old manny]

 I'd like a viking funeral, floated out to sea while my fat belly is sizzling away.

There goes Ivar the Gormless. Eater of many pehs and foreign corner shop burner.

[alscotoz]

I’m actually normally not too bad at funerals and not emotional but I had to go to one when it was a 4 year old drowned.

 

Shaking hands at the end is the worst bit, managed to hold it together for the Dad, got into my car and totally broke down. Can only imagine how he felt

 

Fuck that’s bad luck at a funeral. A flooded engine would be pretty ironic.

 

That is fucking sick...but smart and funny.

 

I feel dirty.

[Hewitt a the pies]

My Gran left her body to medical science. It was weird not having a funeral, everybody just went for a drink. You need something, it's to help the living really, part of the process. I'd like a viking funeral, floated out to sea while my fat belly is sizzling away.

With Cavey doing the music?

[alscotoz]

Let the Abo's eat you

 

They've got some self respect.

[Hewitt a the pies]

@@Fridge

 

How you feel about that?

That's twice in a fortnight you've made me laugh.

Still a c*nt though!