Jump to content

The Insults Thread


granite sheep

Recommended Posts

That's parenting of the highest order there.

 

The mrs and I were shopping a couple of weeks ago and heard this top bit of parenting in the car park 'chelsea, will you shut the fuck up. You're no getting a fucking lolly. you are doing my fucking heid in.' Chelsea was maybe 5. The gent, resplendent in his sevco away 'tap', then turned to his good lady and stated, 'I'm gonnae batter this wee cunt if you don't get her to shut the fuck up.'

 

Truly, truly sad.

Link to comment

not really an insult more of a veiled threat I heard in Bathgate the other day.

 

"oi connor ye wee cunt, come here or your no getting a go of that fuckin gta 5"

 

connor ran back to his mum at the bus stop.

Faakin' 'ell, fucking Bathgate. For me West Lothian comprises of some of the most dreariest, most miserable places I have ever passed through and Bathgate takes the biscuit. Their battlecry was " C'mon well" what in the name of fuck does that even mean never mind supposed to inspire? I can picture the mither, sporting a size 22 black shell suite, daintely trotting about in 6" + heels and with her greasy hair pulled back in a pony tail that tight, her bloated, battle scarred face is strained to the limit and on the on the verge of tearing itself in two. Crossways.*

 

 

*jigot would like to stress that he has never, carried out the act of sex, nor given nor received any sexual gratification of any description whatsoever, from a female, similarly described in overly graphic detail above.

 

** After sifting through his darkest secrets, which meant reliving some of his most horrendous experiences, sexual and otherwise, he can happily and proudly confirm his previous dogdancing denial. He would also like to add that although it was close, there's nae cigar, buried high to the hilt in blurt or any other orifice.

Link to comment

Aye, but as my OP stated, nothing like getting in a cunt's face and yelling "SUCK THE TEARS OFF MY DICK YOU FUNGAL RIMJOB" can beat most stuff. Although I did pull a bird in Korova that did state, "Nae ony o that anal or I will kill your cock"

 

It has to be stated, that I found a videogame called Bulletstorm last year. Not only is it cheap, and one of the most creatively thinking shooters out there, but the campaign is more or less an object lesson on how to swear in ever evolving amazing ways. To think that the Polish developers didn't actually realise that most western audiences would be shocked by the sheer profanity of the game's script inaa......

Link to comment

*Granite Sheep would like to remark that he just escaped Froghall 5 hours ago and is scarred from the experience. Although on the bright side, for a crackhead, the bird he pulled in Priory last night was a magic fuck.

Has she got a neeber,neebs? Ah'm no lookin' oot fer a fuckin Miss World or the likes,ffs. Just some hoor I can maybe console in and perhaps be more intimate later oan,who kens? Fae the waddlin' chubster tae the crackheid wi' fingerzlike fuckin Nik-Naks Ah'm no really bothered. I have a wide range of tastes when it comes to trollips the fairer sex and no fussy at all. I do lookout for only 2 things ho.

1.They mustn't be Sub-Saharian. My Uncle (RIP Uncle Jim), who was wise in so many,many ways once shared with me the secret that white wimmen smell like fish and that goupin' gash that come fae beyond "The Great Sea of The Fidgeting Sand That Forever Moveth" do indeed smell like steak pie going bad. Now I love my steak pie and I'm not prepared to take the chance of being put off my pie for life for a fly sniff or two of a tabooed twat, besides how big can the lips of it be? It must look like a pile of 2 basins on it's side. I know for sure that Ah would be scarred for life (mentally) if Ah were to even imagine what a "Hamburger Shot"of one would be like.

 

2.Hoosework,aye, it may be trivial to some but to me a hoose that is kept in a spick n span condition tells me that Ah'm truly on the right road to heaven and that her that begot mine humble abode brawest it's been since the Mrs fucked off for nae reason besides suffering from the "Uncaring,self-centered and where the fuck is my savings and the xmas club book for Burns the butchers you mooing fuckpig"affliction.

They must pass the stringent hoosework test Ah intend to put them through and believe you me,that, the piles of dishes and washing are getting bigger thon test is getting harder.Daily to be honest you.

 

3.I like my egg yolks runnin doon ma jumper and if Ah ever see even a hint of ketchup in the near proximity of any egg o mine,so help me,the lubed up whisk and the rape tape will be back oot.

It's pointless having standards and no reaching them.

 

4.They must bring their ain supply o powders,detergents and other cleaning agents that Ah huvnae got a clue about or got round to buying got round tae mention as Ah intend to integrate my test on hoosehusbandry with a no-notice, oot the blue, Ah've filled ma nappy-esque, test on their storage,stocktaking and thriftness.Nae cunt will spunk ma dosh williefuckin-nillie on any" It's shit and Ah dinnae need it but fuck it it's gettin' boat" extravaganza ever again,they'll have tae prize the debit caird fae my cauld deid fingerz and the PIN will hae gone wi me.

Link to comment

I'm of the mind that swearies should merely be used as emphasis, and not as the salient thrust of the insult.

 

So, instead of simply saying, "You fucking cunt", you would say, "I'm surprised that you love nature so much, considering what it did to you.... you fucking cunt."

 

This has the cleverness of Wilde, but is coupled with the intimidatory threat of the common guttersnipe, meaning the recipient of said insult is probably going to think twice about launching himself at you for your fucking cheek.

 

I was watching Bottom earlier tonight, and I noticed there are some handy debating techniques hidden within the subtext of the storyline.

 

Link to comment
  • 4 years later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...