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2 minutes ago, Don Fonte said:

Bet your wife wishes you'd raise some hell you prick.

As happy as Larry she is you cheeky bastard

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Just now, Dad said:

As happy as Larry she is you cheeky bastard

You better tip the window cleaner well then.

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10 minutes ago, Ke1t said:

Nature?

We're surrounded by the fucking stuff... it's important to know how to deal with it when it tries to kill you. 

Learn how to start a fire, filter water, build a shelter, survive in freezing temperatures, and strangle a dog. 

Learning which animals you can batter, and which animals can batter you, is important to long term survival in the wilderness. 

Drink your own pish when you're safe at home, so when the water is cut off you're already ahead of the game.

Remember...SURVIVES

 

Smack Animals Around

Urine. Drink it

Raft: Good for escaping Islands and sinking ships

Vampires: No such thing. No precautions necessary. 

Implement your plan of action

Volleyball: Shit sport played by birds... no use in an emergency situation. Forget about it. 

Eat berries and grains. Strawberry Special K costs a couple quid a box. 

Spears. Good enough for Rambo, good enough for you. 

 

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I actually laughed out loud bud 😂😂

commando rolling through jungles karate kicking pandas 😂😂, herboligy important too, a mushroom will either provide you with a satisfying meal, death or tripping out your nut.

As they say, 2 out of three ain’t bad 

  • Dildo on Bonnet 1

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22 minutes ago, Ke1t said:

Nature?

We're surrounded by the fucking stuff... it's important to know how to deal with it when it tries to kill you. 

Learn how to start a fire, filter water, build a shelter, survive in freezing temperatures, and strangle a dog. 

Learning which animals you can batter, and which animals can batter you, is important to long term survival in the wilderness. 

Drink your own pish when you're safe at home, so when the water is cut off you're already ahead of the game.

Remember...SURVIVES

 

Smack Animals Around

Urine. Drink it

Raft: Good for escaping Islands and sinking ships

Vampires: No such thing. No precautions necessary. 

Implement your plan of action

Volleyball: Shit sport played by birds... no use in an emergency situation. Forget about it. 

Eat berries and grains. Strawberry Special K costs a couple quid a box. 

Spears. Good enough for Rambo, good enough for you. 

 

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This is more like the old Kelt I remember 😄

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30 minutes ago, Ke1t said:

Nature?

We're surrounded by the fucking stuff... it's important to know how to deal with it when it tries to kill you. 

Learn how to start a fire, filter water, build a shelter, survive in freezing temperatures, and strangle a dog. 

Learning which animals you can batter, and which animals can batter you, is important to long term survival in the wilderness. 

Drink your own pish when you're safe at home, so when the water is cut off you're already ahead of the game.

Remember...SURVIVES

 

Smack Animals Around

Urine. Drink it

Raft: Good for escaping Islands and sinking ships

Vampires: No such thing. No precautions necessary. 

Implement your plan of action

Volleyball: Shit sport played by birds... no use in an emergency situation. Forget about it. 

Eat berries and grains. Strawberry Special K costs a couple quid a box. 

Spears. Good enough for Rambo, good enough for you. 

 

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Given your stated desire to wrestle a snake, you missed a trick in not making one of the "V"s "viper" related. 
 

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4 hours ago, Parklife said:

Given your stated desire to wrestle a snake, you missed a trick in not making one of the "V"s "viper" related. 
 

Vipers aren't constrictors, they're poisonous, and about 1/100th the size of a python or a boa. You wrestle one of those and it'll dose you to fuck till you're stupid or deid. 

Totally different methodology between the two types of snakes. 

Poisonous snakes, avoid the heid... that's where the poison is. 

You should always be wearing a stout pair of work/hiking boots. Just stomp the poisonous cunts. 

Constrictors, you go for the heid, and use your teeth to gnaw through the neck... or choke it to death like this lad. 

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6 minutes ago, Ke1t said:

Vipers aren't constrictors, they're poisonous, and about 1/100th the size of a python or a boa. You wrestle one of those and it'll dose you to fuck till you're stupid or deid. 

Totally different methodology between the two types of snakes. 

Poisonous snakes, avoid the heid... that's where the poison is. 

You should always be wearing a stout pair of work/hiking boots. Just stomp the poisonous cunts. 

Constrictors, you go for the heid, and use your teeth to gnaw through the neck... or choke it to death like this lad. 

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I’d give it bunches of fives to death 

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56 minutes ago, Bad_Mobby said:

I’d give it bunches of fives to death 

You would try to chat it up

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1 hour ago, Bad_Mobby said:

I’d give it bunches of fives to death 

I'd tie it in a knot 

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2 minutes ago, Sooper-hanz said:

stick its tail in its own mouth

A snake and an elephant want a game of snooker but have no table. They agree to do dares for points. 
 

the snake says to the elephant”if you rampage through the village and smash up the mud huts I’ll award you a break of 56.”

 

The elephant does it. 
 

The Elephant says to the snake “ if you go up my trunk, slide through my body and come out my arse then go back the other way I’ll award you 57 points and the game.”

 

The snake slithers up his trunk, goes through his body and comes out his arse. 
 

He then goes back up his arse and as he’s going through his body the elephant sticks his trunk up his arse and says..........

 

 

 

 

”How’s that for a snooker?”

  • Dildo on Bonnet 2

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Posted (edited)
28 minutes ago, The Boofon said:

A snake and an elephant want a game of snooker but have no table. They agree to do dares for points. 
 

the snake says to the elephant”if you rampage through the village and smash up the mud huts I’ll award you a break of 56.”

 

The elephant does it. 
 

The Elephant says to the snake “ if you go up my trunk, slide through my body and come out my arse then go back the other way I’ll award you 57 points and the game.”

 

The snake slithers up his trunk, goes through his body and comes out his arse. 
 

He then goes back up his arse and as he’s going through his body the elephant sticks his trunk up his arse and says..........

 

 

 

 

”How’s that for a snooker?”

Sounds like the Snooker handicap system in the Abz club circuit🇨🇳....you draw a cunt like marc/mark Davis fae Culter.....Google...🎳...you've a 40 start.say...next thing frame over🎱 and I'm half decent🎃....the boy Davis can bang in 147🎳bingo😂goodnight Vienna 🎳why bother😄

Edited by Misers Hill

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48 minutes ago, Sooper-hanz said:

stick its tail in its own mouth

I think that was the inspiration for the hula hoop. 

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4 hours ago, The Boofon said:

A snake and an elephant want a game of snooker but have no table. They agree to do dares for points. 
 

the snake says to the elephant”if you rampage through the village and smash up the mud huts I’ll award you a break of 56.”

 

The elephant does it. 
 

The Elephant says to the snake “ if you go up my trunk, slide through my body and come out my arse then go back the other way I’ll award you 57 points and the game.”

 

The snake slithers up his trunk, goes through his body and comes out his arse. 
 

He then goes back up his arse and as he’s going through his body the elephant sticks his trunk up his arse and says..........

 

 

 

 

”How’s that for a snooker?”

Back here to post that? Why don’t you fuck off again.

  • Haha 2

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The snake wanting a game of snooker means he presumably played before . How did he hold the cue ? 
 

I can see how an elephant would though . 

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9 minutes ago, Sooper-hanz said:

The snake wanting a game of snooker means he presumably played before . How did he hold the cue ? 
 

I can see how an elephant would though . 

Used a spider 

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1 minute ago, Fridge said:

Used a spider 

Give it a ‘rest’ Frigo. 😉

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3 minutes ago, Matt Armstrong's Dog said:

I'll give you a 'tip' Hanz, 'butt' oot😄.

(Only joking, of course, min.)

I know. I’ll give you a break in this instance .  
 

Break !  😂😂

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13 minutes ago, maryhilldon said:

I'm astonished he has 2 kids,  meaning he's probably had a ride at least twice. 

I just go to the nearest child in car spot, closest to the door ovs. Daughters 21 but they don't give upper ages. Disabled spot if it's raining.

  • Haha 1

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Thats the kind of shit I would do but I wouldn't be telling anyone.  🤣

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Expect more proteges of Mo Farah coming our way very soon by the dinghy load....

https://www.24matins.uk/topnews/int/somali-opposition-fighters-cordon-off-parts-of-tense-capital-2-280484?utm_source=opera&utm_campaign=politics

I thought Ramadan was a time for peace, rejoicing and reflection but obviously not unless I'm mistaken🤔. Please forgive my naivety but I am nae a Muslim so don't frequent the mosque on the Spital.

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