What you doing today?

[Zeus 1,226]

Fuck off! 

[Roberto 2,339]

If jeans summed up a poster

[Sooper-hanz 1,881]

24 minutes ago, Bad_Mobby said:

Perfect for cruising for cock

Agreed 

[Parklife 751]

52 minutes ago, Roberto said:

If jeans summed up a poster

Ohhh. Bitchy. 

[BrianFaePerth 2,438]

£230? Could have bought dads entire stock of DWT t-shirts and had £229 left.

[Don Fonte 1,284]

4 hours ago, manboobs109 said:

It's empowering for the bird though innit? Consi doing his bit for the sisters.

Has it been confirmed it was a bird stripper?

[Don Fonte 1,284]

11 minutes ago, Dad said:

He couldnae and wouldnae

 

Arsehole

Can I buy a t-shirt old boy?

[Don Fonte 1,284]

4 minutes ago, Dad said:

Most certainly - I'd be moved to tears if you did, truth be told son

Sound. Had my eye on a new Ralph Lauren one for a while. Cheers for the advice.

[1903Fitba 1,036]

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

[Sooper-hanz 1,881]

13 minutes ago, 1903Fitba said:

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

Do what I did, and don't do it. 

[Bad_Mobby 4,268]

23 minutes ago, 1903Fitba said:

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

Tell the story about the time he raped a dolphin in the blowhole 

[Zeus 1,226]

Start it with... 

 

"Hullo mi dearies"

[Redforever86 1,584]

25 minutes ago, 1903Fitba said:

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

Tell the one about the time he paid £230 for a close up of a strippers arsehole. 

[Redforever86 1,584]

2 minutes ago, Zeus said:

Start it with... 

 

"Hullo mi dearies"

Pull back your eyes and scream “WHY ER YI MERRIET TAE HER, WHY ER YI MERRIET TAE HER, I THOUCHT YI LOVED ME”

 

Then down a pint of sweetheart stout, do a mic drop and leave. 

[cheesepipes 4,377]

5 hours ago, Bad_Mobby said:

I’d only wear biker jeans if I was going to a fancy dress party as a member of some poodle haired 80’s rock band (then throw them in the bin) 

They wore tight jeans that showed off their anteaters snout or spandex leggings which also showed off the snout. 

 

 

 

[cheesepipes 4,377]

36 minutes ago, 1903Fitba said:

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

Compare the groom to Wayne Couzens before starting a Davie Truscott chant. 

[manboobs109 2,724]

44 minutes ago, 1903Fitba said:

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

Do the old "it's been a very emotional day, even the cakes in tears(tiers)"

Gets them pishing themselves early doors.

[Bad_Mobby 4,268]

Start off by saying you just did some cocaine in the toilets 

That one seems to be popular 

[cheesepipes 4,377]

2 minutes ago, Bad_Mobby said:

Start off by saying you just did some cocaine in the toilets 

That one seems to be popular 

Then whip out your shrivelled cock and invite grandma to confirm its flaccidity. 

 

Before excusing yourself and locking yourself in the disabled bogs to mull over if that actually just happened or not. 

[Sooper-hanz 1,881]

Make a reference to the bride having crabs.

[1903Fitba 1,036]

10 minutes ago, manboobs109 said:

Do the old "it's been a very emotional day, even the cakes in tears(tiers)"

Gets them pishing themselves early doors.

“I’ve been asked to prepare a few lines and not for the first time..”

 

Bloodbath. 

[Bad_Mobby 4,268]

Take a shit in a champagne glass 

Then stand up to wipe your arse (then glass the bride)

[Sooper-hanz 1,881]

Smash fuck out of the cake with a 2lb hammer.

[Don Fonte 1,284]

Sexually assault the bride's mum to a classic Thicke track. The bloody ledge.

[Parklife 751]

2 hours ago, 1903Fitba said:

Writing a best man speech. 
 

Tempted to just wing it, however I’ll be rubbered and her side of the family are very well to do. Melt downs incoming. 

I done one a few months ago. Had only had a couple of pints beforehand. Was a bit nervous but once I got talking was totally fine. I'm sure everyone's the same  

I prepared it a bit and let a few folk who weren't going to the wedding read it over before. Their praise of it gave me a bit more confidence that what I'd written was good. As I'd read it over so many times myself, I'd started to doubt myself. 

Best of luck. 

[strachanmcgheegoal 940]

Honeymoon being two weeks to Bangor.

Slays them every time.

[Hagi's pubic hair 158]

Pissing myself at the Facebook fuckup, they sent out an update that bricked all their routers lol, so they have no access remotely to run a fix on thousands of routers worldwide, and to top it off, this update has also screwed the access to the buildings, just epic stuff.
They could be down for a good few more hours.

[DD1903 787]

2 hours ago, manboobs109 said:

Do the old "it's been a very emotional day, even the cakes in tears(tiers)"

Gets them pishing themselves early doors.

A classic. Never fails 

[Poodler 2,972]

The one and only time I did one of those speeches, ironically I was categorically told no lines until after the meal/ speeches. 
 

I was rubbish at it. A jittery wreck. I Ken id have been better in full on bing bong mode, could’ve taken the mic for a walk Marti Pellow style.
 

then held up the first dance due to being in a cubicle with a man who’s since done away with himself and a bridesmaid
 

Don’t mention ex girlfriends is my advice. Parky has the right idea - getting it vetted. I let someone see mine on the eve of the wedding and it was all scored oot. Shame

Edited October 5, 2021 by Poodler

[Bad_Mobby 4,268]

9 hours ago, Bad_Mobby said:

Take a shit in a champagne glass 

Then stand up to wipe your arse (then glass the bride)

Love Elton John